Few games have lore as deep as Destiny does. Players learn about enemies and why they are doing certain missions from the voice-over of whoever has sent them on that mission. The in-game lore is just the tip of the iceberg. Most of the lore that makes Destiny as deep of a game as it is, is locked behind collectibles and is all in text form. Thankfully, there are resources such as Ishtar Collective where players can read all the lore they wish.
The best part of Destiny lore is how utterly absurd and funny it is. Here is a list of the top 10 funniest lore entries in Destiny.
10 Weapon Design With Cayde-6
The late, great Cayde-6 once presented the beloved gunsmith, Banshee-44, with a puzzling blueprint for a weapon. In this bit of lore for the Loaded Question fusion rifle, Cayde-6’s blueprint requires that the weapon have important features like a laser tracker, racing stripes, and of course a bottle opener. For some unexplained reason, Banshee-44 finds these requirements confusing and unnecessary. The conversation between the perplexed gunsmith and visionary Cayde-6 is something any player should have the pleasure of reading.
The Loaded Question fusion rifle has always been a fun weapon to use and knowing its origin story enhances the joy of vaporizing enemies.
9 Ghost or Sandwich?
Ghosts are what make Guardians, Guardians. They search far and wide until they come across the one being that is meant to be their Guardian. Pulled Pork is a Ghost who, apart from having a cute and funny name, has been searching for his Guardian for a very, very long time. To say that he is thorough would be an understatement. In the lore, Pulled Pork is said to have been searching for his Guardian for a very long time, before the Player Guardian is even resurrected. He also scans everything in search of his guardian. Every piece of steel and every rock.
For sheer tenacity and a name that doesn’t quite make sense, Pulled Pork is an endearing and funny bit of lore that everyone should know.
8 In Search For Answers
Guardians are not much different than the humans of today when it comes to wanting answers for things that are not yet understood. This Guardian, in particular, is trying to better understand death. By repeatedly killing themselves in many different ways. In the excerpt, the Guardian is hurling themselves from a cliff that is taller than the Tower, going splat at the bottom, only to be revived by what seems to be a Ghost that is tired of the experiments.
There’s some sort of twisted, absurd humor about somebody being given the gift of a second, unending life, only to use that life to continuously kill themselves.
7 Who Needs Guns
The Iron Lords are a group of old, distinguished Guardians who are said to be incredibly powerful. Players are most familiar by the grumpy old man who runs the Iron Banner game mode named Lord Saladin. One time, a long time ago, Lord Saladin wasn’t the grumpy vendor he is today, but instead, he was a human missile launched towards the enemies by fellow Iron Lord, Lady Efrideet. The story is told through multiple lore entries, and they are worth a read.
The story is reminiscent of finding out that your stern father had quite the wild side when he was younger and the contrasting image is just something you can’t help but laugh at.
6 King Me
Emperor Calus is an odd one. Players are most familiar with the Cabal Emperor as the boss of the Leviathan raid and the owner of the Menagerie. But, Calus has some odd hobbies and interests. Calus has Psion scribes who essentially write fan fiction about the end of the universe for him. In this story, Underscribe Shipal writes about a checkers game between Titan Vanguard Zavala, and Hawthorne, the Clan vendor. During their 27 games, the feasted upon the best food Earth has to offer: chicken nuggets and rootbeer.
The finishing touch to this literary masterpiece is the note to the Underscribe at the bottom, stating that the story is very good and credible.
5 Good One Randy
Randy, of Randy’s Throwing Knife fame, represents the Crucible teammate you seem to always get on your team, but would really rather not. The first introduction we ever have to Randy, is him being called an idiot, for shooting at opponents and not finishing the job, giving away his team’s position. However, the true essence of what makes Randy funny to all who enter the Crucible is the flavor text to his own weapon that reads, “‘On me, team; I’m capturing the third point’ - Randy, upon receiving orders not to.”
Anybody who has played Crucible before has played with a capture happy Randy, and the canonization of these players brings a smile to all who have entered Lord Shaxx’s arena.
4 Show Me Your Moves
As protectors of the Last City, Guardians and everyday normal people live in close proximity. Naturally, humans want to learn about things that are different from them. The Senior Editor of the City’s newspaper sought to inform the paper’s readers about what Guardians do when they are not out fighting the enemies of humanity. The conclusion drawn by the editor is that Guardians like to dance. A lot. They just constantly dance, whether it be alone or in groups.
The acknowledgment that Guardians are notorious for dancing canonically means that every impromptu Tower dance party is just a normal day.
3 Now I Will Believe That There Are Unicorns
Mara Sov is the Queen of the Reef and the Awoken. She is an immensely powerful being, with access to a wall that can grant her wishes. Obviously, she does what any sensible person would do and summon Lord Shaxx, who arrives mid-Crucible-motivational line with a cup of coffee in hand. She then informs the former Warlord that she is collecting on an old debt and that he must read The Tempest. As a man familiar with the works of Shakespeare, Lord Shaxx informs the Queen that he knows it by heart and will not need the book.
It is said that they have stayed together for a long time. And during that time, the helmet stayed on.
2 Coach Shaxx
If you’ve ever wondered what Shaxx would be like coaching a dodgeball team, look no further. Thanks to Cayde-6 winning a bet, Shaxx was forced to coach a dodgeball team consisting of children from the City. What ensues is pure hilarity. Shaxx treats the children as if they were Guardians, and dodgeball, a name he finds dubious, as if it were the Crucible. The second part of the lore entry has Shaxx being his wholesome self, encouraging the children through defeat, just as he does in the Crucible.
The mental image of the gargantuan Lord Shaxx telling two children to, “Crush them,” before a game of dodgeball is a scene worthy of being animated.
1 Oryx The Nightmare Daddy
Oryx The Nightmare Daddy is the name of a play put on by the Ghost Community Theater. Yes, the Ghosts have a community theater where they put on plays for the Tower. The lore entry is comprised of the cast of the play as well as reviews. From Zavala calling into question the quality of the props and the insult to the long-standing art form of papier-mache, to the Ghost of Ikora Rey just sitting in judgemental silence, the play’s reviews have something for everyone.
The only possible bit of lore that could be funnier than the Ghost Community Theater, would be a fully animated version of the play, if for nothing more than to judge the prop design.
